Thee Most Random Thoughts...

So I am watching Ghost Whisperer which is one of my faves now. I have seen almost all of them. Wish I had em on DVD.It was thunder storming and I decided to open the door and listen to it but it has stopped. I realized that i talk about irrelevant stuff so i don't say what I really want to say that way I don't have to deal with the emotions. And Now as I watch my show I am day dreaming. About things that will never happen, things that could happen if I allowed it, things that seem so unrealistic. I guess I need to pour my heart out to realize what I really want huh? This one thought keeps going through my head even though I haven't thought about it in so long. Freshman year of college me and Chels were going back and forth about a bunch of drama that Durriyyah started and I wrote a note on facebook and then she turned around and wrote one as well. She said a lot of things in there but the couple things she said stuck in my head because they were the truth. I live through other people because my life sucks. No one wanted to be around me because I was a bitch and they would have to convince people to want to be around me cause they didn't want to diss me. I realize that maybe that's still true but for different reasons now. I feel like my appearance plays a large role in why I don't do things now personal and socially because I know people don't want to be seen with me. Of course everyone wants to be seen with a beautiful girl and I am far from that! FAR FROM IT and i just don't want people to feel pressured to be around me. I haven't had a real boyfriend, I don't go out. I realized most of this after Jamel. I can't believe How much I really loved him. or should I say love him. It never stops. I kept telling myself after he told me there was never gona be anything between us that if I lost weight it would be already, i i had sex with him it would be alright that he would be with me after all he told Tamara he was thingking about making me his girlfriend after summer was over. But I was wrong. It drove me into depression. Drove me to eat, which shows me that I am an emotional eater. I have the drive and determination to do what I need to make my life what I need it to be but I am not strong enough to actually do it. I can pray a thousand times. I ask god and people that have passed to help me. I have asked people who are living still to help me but then I realize I can only help me. I know nothing in life is easy but I'm scared of disappoint. What if it doesn't change anything? I am so insecure about myself. I wonder sometimes how my own family actually loves me. I am so ugly why waste their time on me. Then their is my mom. It's like no matter she just won't give up on me. I feel like a complete disappoint to her. I feel like she lives through me and shes such a strong person why can't I be like her? Why can't I make her truely proud, why can't I make myself happy for once. I look in my nieces eyes and I just want so much different for her. I want her to have that role model in her life telling her it's alright to make mistakes and to show her I have been there but I feel like that can't be that. I feel like a complete failure. And on that note...